for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
