needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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