I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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