i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize