You made me cry and you don't even care
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
a search helicopter?!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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