Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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