the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
