I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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