I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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