Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
