Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
