my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
