Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
