You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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