Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
