You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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