God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
