i'm signing you up for texting rehab
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize