im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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