Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
