last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
