i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think my fart just growled at me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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