I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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