You smell like stripper and shame
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
