I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
