Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
