Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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