i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
