Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
