I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
