Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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