Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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