His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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