these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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