Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
