i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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