I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
