and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
