The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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