You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
