I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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