woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
