Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
