When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
