Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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