Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
