You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
