I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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