We won't sleep together?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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