My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My breasts were aching with rage.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
