Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
