For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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