I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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