Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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