hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
