In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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