I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
