If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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